Letting Go…

It’s never easy having to let go of something or someone we are attached to. At times, we try to cling on as long as we can; even though we know the right thing to do is to let it go. We try to reason with ourselves and concoct all kinds of excuses just to hold on.

Now, why are we sometimes so afraid to let go? Perhaps coz’ we have become accustomed to having it in our lives and the thought of no longer having it is not something we are willing to face? We fear of the unknown, of being lost and perhaps of change, but most of all I think we just don’t want to go through the pain that comes with letting go. At times it can leave a deep scar which affects us for the rest of our lives. Sigh, you just don’t really know what will happen next.

To me the first step in letting go is the hardest. It’s in the decision, the decision that “it’s time”. Many of us will go through an internal battle of conflicts with ourselves. I mean it’s like a debate in which part of you says “it’s time” and the other half of you is adamant that things stay status quo. Sometimes this debate can go on forever and ever. Why you might ask? Well, coz’ once a decision is made especially if you decide to let it go, there’s no turning back. You can’t take back what you have said especially if it involves a person.

Well, I’ve been struggling with a decision for quite some time now. I thought with time everything will fall into place, but it hasn’t. It’s been very challenging having to convince myself time and time again to give it more time. I don’t think I can anymore, neither do I want to. It’s too emotionally exhausting.

For me, the first step now is being able to decide that I can let it go if I have to. If it’s meant to be, it’ll come back to me. If not, I can only wish it well and move on.

 

Looking back at 2014…

Compliments of the season to one and all! Tis the season to be merry and of coz’ to look back at everything that has happened throughout the year.

Now, if I had to use two words to describe 2014, it would be “interesting” and “confusing”. I know these are rather common words, but they are the best words I can think of to sum up the year.

The year was filled with ups and downs, a real roller coaster ride. I went through two deaths in the family: my paternal grandma and my maternal grand uncle.

I’m still dealing with some unresolved issues which I hope will be cleared up in 2015. I really hate dragging things on. I think it’s high time I made some decisions.

Well, work was same ol’, same ol’ for the first half and then it went crazy gruelling busy for the second half. This year saw me taking on new challenges and responsibilities. Them white hairs are popping up faster now! 😛

Anyhoo, I seem to be constantly learning new things this year, especially as I sojourn into uncharted territories at work and in my personal space. This new knowledge has kinda changed my perspective on life and on how things are in reality. People can change and not everyone plays by the same rules.

We are taught to follow the rules of society and so like little good children we do, thinking that everything will fall into place if we do. For some, yes and for some, no. Perhaps that might create some frustrations in us. I know how that feels. We strive to follow the rules, but at times we might bend them now and then in our quest to fulfil our desires. Hence, I really do understand the saying that “some rules are meant to be broken”. 😉

Not only that, I’ve also learned some new stuff about myself, call it self-discovery if you want, and I am not done making sense of them yet. This “new” me has me in a conundrum as it really requires loads of patience, control and a helluva restrain on my part. At times, acting nonchalant is a real challenge especially when I get more and more involve. Some of these stuff I’m going through are things I wouldn’t imagine myself ever experiencing or venturing into. It’s exciting and it’s like a dormant part of me has been woken up. I seem to be a different person. Wow, I didn’t see that coming! I keep asking myself: “Is that really me? Why is it happening to me? Who knew I had it in me?? Not in a million years!”

As I said this is a super confusing year as well. My beliefs have been shaken. I seem to have more questions and self-doubts. I do wonder whether it’s a test from God or is the Devil playing his tricks on me, taunting me. Things used to be compartmentalised into black and white. Now out pops a grey area. It’s so difficult to handle this grey area. The rules are different there. In fact, I think I’ve kinda thrown the rule book out and am just creating my own rules. Let’s see where this grey area leads us to.

In addition to that, I’m also confused with the infamous four letter word: LOVE. You would think that a 30 something would know what love is by now. Well, I used to. I think I used to, anyway. What is love? I really don’t know what it is anymore. What does it mean to be in love? What do you equate love with? How do you know when you are in love? Can two persons be together without love? Can you love more than one person? I guess I’ve been watching too many dramas. Sigh… The stubborn bull in me is having a tough time accepting changes. The things that are happening around me are just making it more mind boggling. Perhaps it’s time to fall head over heels in love with someone to understand it better? 😛

Anyhoo, I’ve kept my promised to myself to at least embark on a solo travel once a year. This year I went to Taiwan and it was an awesome experience. It was a bleisure trip: business + leisure. I took the opportunity to travel to a few cities in Taiwan since I was heading there to present a paper at a conference in Taipei. Taiwan is indeed a lovely country. It’s safe, the public transport is so convenient and the people are pretty friendly as well. Hmm… I will never tire travelling on my own.

So I can say all in all I have had a colourful horsey year. I have no idea what plans 2015 has for me. There are bound to be great challenges and battles ahead, but I’m definitely gonna try to embrace them the best I can or rather grab them by the horns as the saying goes! 😉

Let’s all attack 2015 with full of gusto!!

Happy 2015 in advance, everyone!! 🙂

 

Music for the soul

Work has been really crazy these last few weeks. It was so bad on one particular day that I really felt like screaming coz of something that happened that day, but I stopped myself from screaming coz’ someone wise advised me to close my eyes, turn on some music, so that I could calm myself down a bit. Indeed it did do the trick. I felt lighter, more relaxed and at peace as I retreated into my happy place for a bit.

A roller coaster ride I had…
Up and down it went…
Thump thump thump…
My heart beat did its dance…
Scream scream scream…
Was what my lungs concocted as a plan…
Alas, I did not shout…
I did not scream…
Instead I closed my eyes
And imagined a song and dance.
A retreat into my happy place
Was indeed the perfect plan.

 

Huh??

Loads of stuff have been happening this year. With some of them come questions, not just one or two or three questions, but lots. Well, some I’ve found answers to, while a couple of them still have gigantic question marks stuck to them. I know, I know, some will say, in His time, all things will be revealed and answered in His time. But I just hope that the answers don’t come only when I’m old and grey.

Confusion…

To the left
To the right
I gaze
As I walk on this path
in a daze..

I know not what I’m doing…
I know not where I’m going…
I know not what’s awaiting…
This path is just so confusing.

 

Oh, I Wonder, Wonder…

Sometimes I wonder why
And then I’ll sigh…
This funny world we live in…
Seems not wanting to be kind to me…
The constant trials & tribulations…
Testing, taunting & teasing me…
Why, oh, why?
Must it be me??
Can’t it have a little mercy
And let me be?

I might not get to do and enjoy some of the normal stuff other people do sometimes coz’ of the journey I’m currently on. Sometimes it does frustrate me. Sometimes it even irks the hell out of me! It’s in those moments that I post loads of questions: why, why, why lah??? Why did I this…?? Why did I that…?? Why are things like this and that?? Why are You doing this to me?? Then I console myself, it’s alright, it’s ok. One day you will! Well, perhaps, that it. There’s no guarantee in life. It’s always perhaps, perhaps, perhaps… So for now, just keep strong and savour the moment! Que sera, sera! What will be, will be! What’s important is that I am living!! ^_^

 

New Semester

The new semester started 3 weeks ago. Things have been pretty hectic at work. Some of my classes are arranged quite closed together. I do not get much time to rest in between classes especially on Tuesdays. It can get very exhausting when you have 3 hours of classes, then less than an hour to rest continued by another 2 hours of classes. Sigh. Well, at least I get to rest on Fridays!  🙂

Anyway, hopefully my groups will be finalised by next week. I have an average of 40 in a class. That’s really big for a language class. It’s gonna be tough especially when it comes to group activities. Well, I’ve just got to make the best of things.

 

finito…

m finally done with the july semester! praise the lord!! everyone was rushing to beat the deadline last friday…it’s a good thing that my papers do not have any finals… managed to finish marking the assignments on Monday, then totalled up the marks, keyed-in to system, double-checked scores etc…funny that we were all waiting on each other to click the submit button…so takut lah if after that got mistakes…so must be very careful or else real susah…anyway, finally settle everything on thursday…hahaha…  

 

sigh…didn’t get to rest last weekend…had to attend a workshop…only half of the committee turned up…even though half but we had a good discussion lah…we are actually in the process of coming up with an english placement test for new students as well as a bridging course for students who achieve low scores in the placement test later…hopefully everything goes well next sem when we pilot test things.

 

well, I can’t wait for this thursday…m heading over to klpac to catch bottom top…that should be interesting…let’s hope I enjoy it…well,I’m sure I’ll like it but as for jk…he’s a bit particular…I’m not sure whether that’s the word to use…let’s just say it’s not easy to please him…what’s more this is only his 2^nd encounter with  theatre performances…let’s just keep our fingers crossed!  

 

it’s been a while

It’s been a while…

 

I’ve been on a brief hiatus, mainly coz of my laziness to write. Besides, the office has blocked the access to Friendster & Facebook. So, I only log on once in a while from home. It’s very payah lah to surf at home without broadband. I’m still using dialled-up.

 

Well, this is my 4^th month at UniKL. I’m learning to love my new environment. Classes are fine. The students here are not that much different from those in UNiSEL. They are a fun-loving, hardworking & respectful bunch of kids. So, there’s really not that much adjustment for me. I had doubts in the beginning that I’d get use to working in the city coz I’ve been working away from the hustle & bustle of the city these past few years. But, I’m adjusting quite well, surprisingly.  

 

I don’t really face any traffic jams coz I try to be in the office by 7.45am. Going in early gives me the chance to have a hot cuppa drink, read The Sun, The Star (online), check my mail & also read up on the Korean drama I’m following on KBS.

 

Once I’m done with classes in the afternoon, I’ll shoot back home to avoid the congestion. My working hours here is flexible. We, academicians are allowed to clock in by 10 & leave the office by 4. But there’s still the 40 hours that we need to complete in a weeklah, just like any other institutions.

 

My mum is still adjusting to me coming home early from work. I used to get home pretty late last time coz my apartment was less than 5 mins away. Aiya, staying on campus, you can go home anytime ma. Nowadays when I’m home by 5 sometime, she’ll look surprised & ask me why I’m back so early.

 

Anyway, I’ve learned to handle the traffic here. If you are driving in KL, you need to be 2 things, 1^st, a daredevil a.k.a. a kamikaze driver and 2^nd, a speed racer. I think my family would agree that I fit both descriptions. Mind you, coming from them it’s not a compliment. Since I’m both, driving in KL hasn’t really raised my blood pressure. J      

 

You know, I thought I could keep a low profile at my new place, but cannot lah. My boss has already roped me in for one of the projects his handling. We, language gals are pretty active at work. There’s always some project on. I don’t really mind it coz it’s a good learning experience lo. Besides, when you get full cooperation from your team mates, everything becomes a breeze!

 

We just went through convo last month at PICC, Putrajaya. It was my 1^st time there.  You know, I’ve worn 4 different robes in the space of 1 year. I had my own master convo last Sept, attended the UNiSEL convo as an academician after that, represented the faculty for the 1^st JAD convo early this year when I was the acting dean & lastly my 1^st academic procession at UniKL in August. I’ve had on blue, brown, grey & dark blue. It’s been an interesting experience!       

 

Well, even though I’m adjusting well here. I do miss my friends at UNiSEL. Puspa has already gone off to UiTM. Eda & Shangeetha are busy as ever being the heads of programme. Sigh…when will I get to see you gals lah? What happened to our Genting trip? It’s getting a bit lonely here lah. Maybe I should visit you guys one of these days?

 

Anyway, I’m sure everyone’s looking forward to this week. For some of us because we are celebrating Raya & for the rest, it’s the cuti that comes with the celebration. To those celebrating, Selamat Hari Raya!! To the rest, have a good break there,k!

 

 

 

 

 

 

a new beginning…

Two weeks have passed since I started work in UniKL. It’s the short semester now but there aren’t any language classes. So, I’m dead bored! I’ve been told that English is seldom offered during the short sems.

I’m taking the free time that I have now to prepare for classes next sem, but how much time do I need to prepare for just one subject? I’m only allocated 1 subject but multiple groups. It’s a real change from UNiSEL. There I’ve always taught at least 3 subjects during the long semesters. I used to whine about how busy things were at UNiSEL, now I’m complaining coz I’m too free. Well, it won’t last long. Things will definitely pick-up come July.

Anyway, let me expound a bit about UniKL. I’m working in the city campus, attached to the Malaysian Institute of Information Technology (MIIT), right smacked in the middle of KL city along Jln Sultan Ismail. You heard about the demonstration last Friday at Kampung Baru? Well, it’s just around the corner. I’m in the happening zone! 🙂

By the way, Sogo is just a stone throw away, girls. KLCC too. I took the LRT to KLCC for lunch on Friday. Gosh, it was really packed! It’s a real change from Bestari Jaya. But you guys know me lah, I’m very lazy to go anywhere during lunch hour. I tend to hibernate in the office a lot. Friday was an exception coz I was bored, so I wanted to get some fresh air.

Okay, back to my office. I have 4 other colleagues who are teaching English as well. They are really nice. You know lah, language people are always different from all the other academic staff. I think my department is the only really multi-racial dept in the city campus. Anyway, English is placed under General Studies (GS) with the other foreign languages & LAN subjects. The rest of the academic staff are teaching I.T..

Well, it’s a bit of a change in certain aspects for me. Previously, I had my own room but now I’m sharing a room with 5 of my colleagues; you know cubicle style. But I don’t really mind it coz we have been given ample space & furniture. It’s pretty well organised.

I’ve no complaints except that it’s freaking cold at the office! I’m constantly drinking hot water to keep myself warm. More water means more trips to the loo.  ^-^

I think I need to bring along a pair of gloves to the office. I’ve already got a pair of socks there but it’s still not enough la.

Okie, I think that’s about it for now. Bye all!

 

Moving 2

We see this in the movies all the time. When someone resigns from a position, he packs all his stuff in a box, carries it and bids the office farewell. Things seem so easy. In real life, it’s not that simple, at least not for me lah. I think I’m just half done with my office stuff. There are so many books that I’ve accumulated over the years. I’ve got to bring all of them back.

Anyway, a big thank you to Soo & Khairul, not forgetting some of my students for helping me carry those boxes into the car. I’ve just actually unloaded them from the car to the apartment. I’m so tired already coz there were only mum and me to do the unloading. Well, I’ve gotten used to doing things on my own anyway, especially moving. So, takpe lah.

Now, my place is just filled with boxes of books. I think I have almost 30 boxes (ranging in sizes) of books. Half of them are novels. I’m really thinking of selling some of them. I have over 500 story books. There really isn’t any where else I can put them! My mum says that I should just rent a place to put all my books. Ha…ha…

Well, I’m feeling much better today, thanks to my adik angkat for his words of encouragement. You really said what I needed to hear. Thanks bro!