Here’s a little something I wrote last July 2017 and only realised now that I didn’t published it.
I have always made it a point to leave all my personal baggage at home when I go to work. Even if I feel down or have just experienced a bad night, all that does not matter when I am at work. When I’m at work, my focus should only be on my students and work. That’s it, nothing else. So when I have a packed day, it’s easy. Just like today with back to back classes and then off to lunch with the students, so that they can have more practice speaking in English. After that it’s back to the office to list down all the things to be discussed in the meeting I have called for later. Oops, it’s time to head up to level 25 to double check on some ETAC audit matter. Once done there, quickly head back down and discuss with the others on an upcoming CSR activity. Oh, look at the time, it’s almost 3pm. Better head back to the room, as the rest will be coming for the meeting soon. So I head back to my room. Open the door for them and make a quick dash to the toilet. I then just realised that the only private time I’ve had so far today is when I’m in the toilet. Ok, time for the scheduled meeting. There are so many things running through my head. But I tell myself to focus, hoping that everyone comes on time, so that I can finish things early and take care of other matters. But of coz’ that’s not the case. There’s always someone who will drag his feet. Well, that doesn’t matter. No time to dwell on it. Focus! And so I start off the meeting and cover all the necessary bases. Just a little bit more, I tell myself. I get agitated when people do not pay attention. But I just keep repeating to myself, “hang in there.” And then, at last, the meeting concludes. It’s the end of the day. I can now take a breather. I can finally finish that container of grapes I started eating since this morning. I can now let everything sink in. I can exhale, close my eyes a bit and let my shoulders sag down. I can finally be myself.
At the end of the day, after work when I’m all alone, I wait for someone to come, hoping I can unload a bit on him, hoping he can cheer me up a bit. But that’s not what is to be because he does not think I deserve it. He’s too into himself to see me, the weary me. He’s too eager to rush off from my side. He does not think I have the right to be vulnerable. He thinks I am made of steel. He thinks I am a robot. He thinks I cannot have a moment to myself, a moment to process. He does not think I have the right to it. He does not have the time to hear about me. He fails to realise that I too am human, made of flesh and blood. I too bleed. I too hurt. I too need a listening ear from time to time. And so because of that, I close my eyes, suck everything back in and just move along. I remind myself, even if the world comes crumbling down around me, it doesn’t matter coz’ life goes on. I too must… move along… The tears can trickle down, but that does not matter coz’ he does not care how I process my life. He makes it clear when he easily ignores my plea. I’ve gotta be strong. I’ve gotta be strong for myself. The pent-up emotions, the bursting words I am left with, words he does not want to hear. I have no choice but to scribble about to release myself, to ease the pain, to console myself. Words… Words… Words… Words, my only comfort, my faithful friend.