My Comfort Zone

IT

Kim — Fri, 10 Dec 2010 16:25:20 +0000

I never wanted IT
In fear of the consequences
that might result in having IT
I thought I was contented
in life without IT

And so I never went looking for IT
Instead, IT came in search of me
On ITs on accord

I was hesitant
In accepting IT
I was scared
of losing control

I took a step to IT
And was lost in ITs splendour
I became enthralled and enamoured
IT became an aphrodisiac
One which I could not resist

I was hooked on IT
Knowing full well that
IT was not something permanent
That someday IT will leave me
But deep down I knew
How much I wanted
to keep IT forevermore

I was so caught up in the moment
That I disregarded the strews of untruths
And the increasing number
of sugar coated empty promises

I should have been more alert
I should have read the signs
I should have seen it coming
IT was gradually pulling away from me

I was in denial
Desperately clinging on
To what that would not be

Why did IT have to prey on me?
Why did IT have to torment me?
Why did IT give me hope?
Why did all these have to happen to me??

Now
My vision is blurry
My head is spinning
with so many unanswered questions

I was gullible and stupid
And IT took advantage of my naivety
IT tricked me with ITs tales of ever after

IT gave me an abundance of happiness
And just to have IT ripped away now
Is breaking me into tiny little pieces
Pieces which will never be whole once again

Alas, now is not the time for answers
The period for self pity is over
The moment of grief and moaning have both passed
I need to move on

And so with a heavy heart
I bid IT adieu
잘가, 내 친구
Thank you for enriching my life’s journey.

Lost

Kim — Sun, 10 Oct 2010 06:39:54 +0000

I’ve been an avid fan of Korean dramas for quite some time now. Even my mum has gotten hooked onto them as well. Thank God for the KBS channel on Astro.

Anyhoo, here’s a tribute to one of the dramas I’m currently following: Happiness in the Wind.

I chose a path less travelled by,
thinking I’ll break through
all its numerous defences
 
I thought I’ll emerge triumphantly
joining the ranks
of all the other valiant crusaders
 
It was an ambitious goal
but I was not perturbed
little did I know
a deadly game
I was pursuing  
 
I thought I knew
the challenges laid before me
I thought I could overcome
every obstacle I’d see
 
I didn’t heed the warnings
The Prize accompanying this journey   
was too enticing
The temptation was too great
for me to resist
I succumbed to my desires
 
I started the journey
albeit with a little trepidation
But wariness soon faded
My strides grew strong
full of conviction
filled with hope
My being consumed
by hunger for the Treasure
journeying alongside me
 
alas...
 
This journey
is non like any others
I am constantly faltering
Getting lost in a maze of unfamiliarity
 
The road is gruelling
and treacherous
I am ill prepared
for the aplenty
Hidden passages, mysteries & secrets
The obstacles seem never ending
 
 
I have become weary
in my quest to survive
My body is bruised & battered
Littered with scars
Concealed deep within
 
My strength is diminishing
My body is breaking
I feel like surrendering
To give up on this losing battle
 
I know...
 
The world is laughing
snickering at lil’ol’ me
for being an imbecile
Who’s willing to be fooled
Who can be placated
with promises of untruths
 
Why, you may wonder
Am I so resilient in my pursuit??
willing to endure all
The heartaches and pains
 
Know this I tell you...
 
I’m just an ordinary girl
with silly simple wishes
of love, of happiness & of living
But these silly simple wishes
to love and to be loved
might just be beyond my reach
 
This battle seems too great
for me to try to conquer
I’m trying to stand tall
To not give in to defeat
I’m trying to be strong
For that is who I am all along
 
I am committed to the cause
To persevere , to hold on
Coz I want to
not that I need to
or have to
For tis Treasure is worth the great battle
 
And now I stand at this juncture
Baffled, perplexed & a little bewildered
Not knowing where I should head yonder
Perhaps you, my dearie
might provide me the Answer?

This drama has just finished its run in Korea and I’m happy to say that it has a happy ending. Almost everyone gets what they desire at the end. You see, Korean dramas can be pretty unpredictable. It’s doesn’t always end on a happy note. So, I’m glad that Daehan and Obok managed to patch things up. It’s so nice to be able to live in a fantasy world for a while.

Surviving…

Kim — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 11:13:20 +0000

It’s been god knows how long since I last blogged. It’s not that I was too lazy to do it; I was just too busy to put my thoughts down. I am still busy. I’ve been very busy at work and also working on my pet project.

You see, I just started a small little online business selling fashion apparel a few months back. It’s called JK Fashion Trenz. This little venture has really kept me occupied. It’s good, in a way. Now, at least I have lesser time to think about certain stuff.

I can’t believe that it’s already August now. Almost 12 months. I survived. Not a day goes by that I do not think of what’s in store for me tomorrow. I keep waiting for the day to come when everything will return to normal. A part of me is afraid that that day might not happen. Perhaps it’s just the insecure half of me trying to prepare for the worst?

Anyhow, I’m not ready to think about it now. I just want to keep busy.

亲爱的小乌龟, 希望我们很快就会见面…

外面的世界 – 莫文蔚

在很久很久以前
你拥有我
我拥有你
在很久很久以前
你离开我
去远空翱翔

外面的世界很精彩
外面的世界也很无奈
当你觉得外面的世界很精彩
我会在这里深深的祝福你

每当夕阳西沉的时候
我总是在这里盼望你
天空中虽然飘着雨
我依然等待你的归期

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bQRaQIDyTcM

I see the LIGHT

Kim — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 03:10:44 +0000

I’ve been sulking a lot these past few months. My entire internal self exuded a tonne of negative energy. It was a good thing that all these stuff happened on the inside and that I didn’t parade my morose self around for the whole world to see. I’ve been upset, depressed, annoyed, angry and frustrated over a couple of things. It really did take a toil on me. I didn’t feel like me at all; in fact, I felt fake.

Sigh.

But I think enough is enough. I kinda had this realization when I was at the salon last weekend that it’s time for me to let things go. I’m not talking about giving up (放弃) but rather letting nature run its course. There’s really no point being glum about things which are out of my control. I can’t force things to happen; I’m not God. I really don’t want to end up a bitter person. Life’s too short for that. I realise now that I’ve had enough time to sulk and it’s time to move on.

Now, I’m learning to push aside certain thoughts which intrude my mind. The less I think about them, the better for me.

Anyhoo, isn’t the hair salon a weird place to achieve enlightenment?

One Day You Will

Kim — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 12:08:12 +0000

When you’re weary and you feel like the world is caving in on you, just remember that one day you WILL find what your heart desires. One day….

One Day You Will

by Lady Antebellum

You feel like you're falling backwards
Like you're slippin' through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can't see it now

[Chorus]
But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will

You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You're just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you're down to your last breath
And you don't know it yet

[Repeat Chorus]

Find the strength to rise above
You will
Find just what you're made of, you're made of

[Repeat Chorus]

One day you will
Oh one day you will

Life’s Rocky Moments

Kim — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 13:46:53 +0000

Life sucks! That’s how it is. It’s not just for me, it’s for everyone. You just can’t have the cake & eat it at the same time. There’s always going to be the ups & downs, highs & lows, good & bad. For many, the highs are more than the lows. But for some of the other unlucky souls, the shitty stuff seems to happen, oh so frequently. Unfortunately, I belong to the latter group.

Sigh. :(

I’m not complaining neither am I pleading for help. I’m just stating the facts. Time has not been kind to me lately. I had a horrible end to 2009 and the start of 2010 was no better. It’s been extremely frustrating and depressing. According to my horoscope, I’m supposed to have a freaking good year. Yah, right!! Things are still the same. I’m not living now. I’m just going through the motion of life mechanically completing mundane tasks. I’ve stopped doing the things I love. It’s like I’ve given up on life.

I can whine and lament all I want, but the truth is there’s no one to blame but myself. To me, there’s no use blaming others for the things that go wrong in our lives. Why is that so? Well, we are the ones who decide what we want and also choose what path we wish to follow. No one put a gun to our heads & demanded that we follow their orders, right? So, if any screw-ups happen, I’ve got to look back at myself.

A few years ago, I was presented with choices. I really thought seriously before I made my decision. I’m a Taurus; it’s not easy to commit to one thing. I’m constantly cautious and when I’ve set my heart on something, I stick to it for life. Just look at my stationery, my mechanical pencil has been with me for almost two decades. I’ve lost count on the number of times I’ve fixed it coz’ parting with it just wasn’t an option I was willing to consider.

Anyway, getting back to my decision, after much mulling, I made my choice and there were some minor repercussions. My family weren’t all that thrilled, but they respected my decision. I even kinda lost a friend. I never thought that would ever happen. I really didn’t see that far ahead. I was really adamant with my decision and I told myself then, “no turning back, no regretting the path I’ve chosen”. I was happy and I had this very idealistic future that I created in my mind. Boy, was I in for a rude surprise!

Well, never would I have thought that I’ll be where I am today with the development of these few years. I’ve been a fool. I was just trying to live a fool’s dream. I guess the ONE above felt that my iddy biddy request was just too much to fulfil.

It’s a constant struggle for me to go on living. There’s not a single day that goes by that I do not think about it. I didn’t know that one part of my life can create such an effect on me. I sound so pathetic, don’t I? I keep praying for things to get better. I’m not sure how much longer I can endure before I break into pieces. Everything is building up inside.

Someone told me that I’ll be meeting my true love this year. I guess that’s to make my life sound less shitty. Ha! Yah, right!! How am I gonna meet him? Is he gonna fall into my lap or come a-knocking at my door? I’m not being cynical or sarcastic but I know myself well enough to say that 99.9999% that that’s not gonna happen. It’s a stupid prediction. I rather concentrate on things that are real and within my control. There are just things not worth believing in anymore.

Time to wake up and smell the coffee! Well, that’s err…a bit tough especially when I’m not a coffee drinker. :) Anyhoo, it doesn’t really matter whether its’ aroma is pleasing to the senses or that it stinks high heaven. I just have to keep repeating to myself, “I’m ok, I’m strong, I WILL survive!”

Amen to that!!

I Am…

Kim — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 12:21:50 +0000

I wish someone would say something like this to me…

Sigh… just wishful thinking…

I am

by Mary J. Blige

Hey no … noo oooh …
Ain’t nobody gonna treat you better
Ain’t nobody gonna touch you better
Ain’t nobody gonna love you better boy
Than I am, Than I am

When your out at night and you’re in the streets
And you have timeto yourself
Think of all the love that you get from me
That you can’t find nowhere else
When your far away and I’m not around
And temptation fills your heart
Think of all the ways that I’m faithful babe
To replace me would be hard
Cause there’s nobody

Ain’t nobody gonna treat you better
Ain’t nobody gonna touch you better
Ain’t nobody gonna love you better boy than I am
Than I am
(nobody, nobody) than I am
(nobody, nobody) than I am
(nobody, nobody)
Ohh nobody gonna treat you as good as I am

You can try to act single if you wanna
You can go ahead and mingle if you wanna
You can even behave like you don’t care
But you know (but you know) like I know (like I know)
That you ain’t that foolish
Who you foolin’? You won’t ruin
What’s been here all along, you ain’t movin’
From what you’ve got at home

I just want you to know
Baby I love you so
There is no need to go lookin’ for nothin more
Cause I’ve got everything you’ll ever need right here
But if you feel that you need to leave
Just know!!

Ain’t nobody gonna treat you better
Ain’t nobody gonna touch you better
Ain’t nobody gonna love you better boy than I am
Than I am
(repeat)
(nobody, nobody) than I am
(nobody, nobody) than I am
(nobody, nobody)
Ohh nobody gonna treat you as good as I am

Forging Ahead

Kim — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 08:20:41 +0000

Things have been rather tough these couple of week. I’ve had a few unfortunate incidences occurring. The worst was when my mum broke one of leg bones. It’s been pretty tiring as I’m in charge of everything at home now. Thank God her injury is not something permanent. I pity her as she’s feeling extremely frustrated being cooped up at home twenty four seven. Well, let’s hope that things get back to normal soon. Every cloud has a silver lining, right?

Forging Ahead

I took a path less travelled by,
thinking I’ll break through
all its defences

I thought I’ll emerge triumphantly
Joining the ranks
of the other lucky buggers

it was an ambitious goal
it was a tall order to undertake
Little did I know
a deadly game
I was playing

I thought I knew
the challenges ahead
I thought I could work
my charms when waylaid
So I was unhindered
I was not perturbed

I didn’t heed the warnings
The prize laid before me
was too enticing
The temptation was too great
for me to resist
I succumbed to my desires

I started the journey
My strides strong
full of conviction
filled with hope
My being consumed
by greed for the prize
awaiting

But this journey
was not like any other
I have faltered
time and time again
The road is gruelling
and treacherous
I am ill prepared for
the aplenty hidden traps
The obstacles seem never ending

I have become weary
in my quest to survive
My body is bruised & battered
This battle seems too great
for me to forge ahead

My strength is diminishing
I feel like surrendering
Perhaps this was a path
never meant for me to conquer?
I was not to be
one of the lucky suckers

Alas, I was blinded by greed
Perhaps I should have never
given in to my desires?

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps
No, I can’t live
a life of fear
and uncertainty
of maybes and perhaps

I must go forth
Although I am now
Wounded and covered in scars
My body and soul
forever changed
I haven’t given up
I am still fighting on

It’s an uphill battle
A struggle I am willing to take on
I am placing my trust in the ONE above

My weakness I must conquer
I need to be strong
I need to hold on
to my beliefs
to my prayers

I will persevere
I will walk on
to see things through
the very end
I will collect my awaiting prize!
I will not give up!!

r.i.p.

Kim — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 04:03:32 +0000

V Day is just around the corner. I’m sure some of you are really looking forward to it. I’ve been trying to write something happy in view of this special occasion but I just don’t seem to have the inspiration for it. I’m out of lovey dovey thoughts. The piece that I’ve been working on these few weeks doesn’t embrace V Day at all. On the contrary, it’s quite morbid sounding. My thoughts have been rather nonsensical lately.

 
r.i.p.

 

Would it be so wrong to hope?

Would it be so wrong to wish?

Would it be so wrong to desire?

 

For…

Someone to love

and to be loved

Someone to cherish

and to be cherished

 

I’m just a normal human being

Craving for the ordinary

But even the ordinary

seems so very much out of reach

 

I smile, I laugh, I chatter

Everything seems to be in order

But you are none the wiser

For you don’t really know

What’s going on deep inside of me

 

If you look closely

Then you’ll notice the irony

The strained smile

The forced laughter

The frivolous chatter

A façade which I’ve perfected

 

The real me is in agony

Crying out for some sympathy

I’ve become a hollow being

A dejected soulless zombie

lying awake in bed

as tears of despair

trickle down my face

 

Why, you may ask

has this come about?

What has caused

this unfortunate tragedy to unfold?

 

I can only speculate

That perhaps my wish for love  

Was a yearning I should

have never gone after    

And that perhaps my present pain

is just my own reckless undoing

 

Perhaps it’s because

I did not listen to Him

And so now I am being punished

I followed my heart

And this defiance, this greed

Is a price that I’m due to pay

 

The pain is excruciating

Piercing deep into my core

My breathing is becoming shallow

My being feeling lifeless

This agony, this torment, this ache

A torture no more can I take

 

Perhaps I should perish from this earth

My listless body disintegrating into ashes

Only then might I be at peace

 

If I had but one wish now

I would wish NOT to be reborn

To hurt and to be hurt

Is not an experience

I would want to recur  

 

Sigh…

 

Again I wonder

Is it so wrong to hope?

Is it so wrong to wish?

Is it so wrong to desire?

For someone to love me ever after?

 

Alas, I seem to be going under

Darkness creeping in faster

A lightness spreading through my body

Preparing me for the hereafter

 

My lids are growing heavy

A signal that time

is fast becoming my master

 

As my lids make their final descent

I glimpse of a not too distant past

A past once filled with joy and laughter

 

I smile as a tear rolls down

the corner of my weary eye

The happiness experienced

albeit a brief but memorable moment

is a treasure like none other.

 

At last…

I close my eyes…

No regrets…

I exhale…

I am at peace.

 

Amen.

New Sem

Kim — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 02:13:39 +0000

The new semester started 3 weeks ago. Things have been pretty hectic at work. Some of my classes are arranged quite closed together. I do not get much time to rest in between classes especially on Tuesdays. It can get very exhausting when you have 3 hours of classes, then less than an hour to rest continued by another 2 hours of classes. Sigh. Well, at least I get to rest on Fridays!

Anyway, hopefully my groups will be finalised by next week. I have an average of 40 in a class. That’s really big for a language class. It’s gonna be tough especially when it comes to group activities. Well, I’ve just got to make the best of things.